It’s the New Year and everyone makes resolutions – I’ll start dieting, I’ll be a better person, I’ll sign up for Obamacare (I didn’t say it would be easy), etc. Here are my resolutions for 2014 for the Greeks around the world.

We hereby resolve:

We will stop smoking. Can all you Greeks, wherever you live, just stop smoking? Okay, that one was broken the minute you started reading this and right now you are probably inhaling on a cigarette, together with taking a sip of your coffee. That resolution is out the window.

We will stop blaming the Germans for Greece’s economic woes. You did it to yourselves. Hmmmm… I agree, forget it. It’s better and more fun to blame the Germans. What are they going to do about it anyway – invade Greece? Maybe they will have the Italians invade first. Lol. That didn’t quite work out the first time, now did it? That resolution is bye-bye.

We will stop singing American Christmas songs in Greek. Please stop. It’s annoying. Do you want us to start singing Greek songs in English? “The girl from Samos, the girl from Samos, when are you going to Samos” You don’t like it, do you? This one is definitely staying.

We will stop thinking that the world revolves around us and be more considerate of other nationalities. Hahahahahahaha. Now that’s funny. We can forget that resolution too.

We will stop wearing black for every occasion including going to your kid’s soccer matches. I hear you still laughing from the last resolution. I guess you don’t like this one either.

We will stop yelling out “opa” every time someone drops a dish unless it is in a Greek restaurant. It too is annoying and this one I’m keeping and if anyone has an argument why it shouldn’t stay then just read my fellow blogger, Costa Xinos’ piece entitled, “Opa.”

We (specifically Greek mothers) will use the wooden koutala only for stirring sauces and salads. Okay, maybe for chasing children around the dining room table… on occasion, or when needed… sometimes… oh, damn it, that’s like telling Yiayia not to use oregano whenever she cooks anything! Scratch that resolution off.

We will stop torturing our children by forcing them to recite a superfluity of stanzas of Greek poems about March 25, October 28, and any other important Greek dates while dressed in foustanellas and pom-poms on their shoes. I know what you’re saying? Absolutely not! Let them suffer just like we did! Builds character. This resolution is deleted.

We will stop using those “You Know You’re Greek…” sayings. Enough already…this one is staying too.

We will stop Greek rapping. This is my pet peeve. Are you kidding with this Greek rapping thing? You actually think dressing a Greek kid in baggy jeans, a tattoo on his arm, and a baseball cap to the side and then raps in Greek, makes you a rapper? Hahahahahaha. Listen boooooy, it don’t. And this is from a Philly boy. Well… Upper Darby, but that’s close enough. This resolution is definitely staying.

Frappes. Nothing to say about them. Was just thinking about one.

We will put the Bouzouki back in Bouzouki music. I know Greek singers want to branch out and they probably sell more songs to a wider audience if they “westernize” their music with distorted guitars and rapping (agghhhh!), but come on, isn’t the Bouzouki the one thing that the Greeks have that no other nationality’s music has. And it’s cool. Plus, I don’t want to see Bouzouki players out of work ! This is staying!

And last…

We will try to unite all of the Greeks around the world on all Greek issues. Hello? I hear silence. Hello… anyone out there? I just saw a tumbleweed blow by. I think everyone left for a cigarette and a frappe. This one is out.

There you have it. The Greek Resolutions for 2014. But it seems that there are only a few that will actually stay. I guess we’re perfect…wait, shouldn’t that be a resolution? We will stop thinking that Greeks are perfect. We did invent everything and truly civilized the world, didn’t we? You make the decision whether that one stays or not.

Happy New Year everyone!

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