I hate Cosmos Philly!

The first thing that comes to your mind is how I got Cosmos Philly to publish this article with a title like that? Easy, my lawyers are bigger and more expensive than the Cosmos Philly lawyers. Mine are smart too. I don’t pay them all that money for nothing. They threatened those wimps at Cosmos Philly with a suit about something called the “equal time” doctrine. Haha… lawyers are great! How do you know when a lawyer is lying? When his lips are moving! I need a rim-shot please.

The second question that I am sure you want to ask is why I hate Cosmos? I’ll tell you.

As you all know, for over two and a half years I’ve been diligently working to bring you high quality, informative, sometimes funny, hard-biting, gut-retching blogs about us Greeks and our community – it’s not easy. I’ve written about the Greek Discounts, Throwing the Na, why Greek-owned restaurants are better than CFSEs, the horror of Greek school poems, Re-Greeking, koutalas, pantofles, and Greek mothers, and much, much more.

These blogs have spanned the entire world. People have read them from right here in Upper Darby to Sacramento, California, from Greece to South Africa, Mexico to Japan and even Iceland. According to Cosmos Philly’s own data, I am the #1 Greek-American blogger in the world! Do you believe that? Cosmos Philly has data?

About two months ago, my so-called “friends” at Cosmos Philly published my 50th blog. It was a mile-stone. It’s like batting 200 hits in a year in baseball. It’s a big deal. Do you know what they did for me on the 50th blog? Nothing… a big fat absolute nothing! I hate Cosmos Philly!

Do you know what writing 50 blogs is like? First problem is that I have to come up with 50 different topics about Greeks. Okay, in reality, that part is easy. Greeks have a lot of issues… and stories. I could write for years about them. Second problem is actually writing the articles. I have to think about it. Then think about it again, then again and again. Then I have to actually start typing and type cohesive sentences and make sure that it makes sense. That’s tough. My fingers sometimes get tired. I hate Cosmos Philly!

When I think a blog is going to take off and thousands of you will hit that “like” button, it usually flops. However, on the other hand, when I think a blog is horrible, you people jump all over it and the “likes” and “reaches” are flying off the chart… again from Cosmos Philly data – like they know how to read that stuff.

You get the picture. I’m busting my butt to make Cosmos Philly the #1 Greek-American website in the universe and they can’t even say thank-you. Not even a cake… cheap #$%&! While the big shots at Cosmos Philly are sitting in their leather-bound chairs high-up on the 30th floor of Cosmos Philly Towers, smoking their fat Cuban cigars and drinking Johnny Walker Blue from a Riedel Vinum Single Malt glass, reading the New York Times and watching the Bloomberg Reports, us peasants are in the sweat shops below churning out articles, documentaries, interviews, stories and so much more. I hate Cosmos Philly!

Makes me sick just thinking about it. Makes me want to yell out, “Attica! Attica!” or hold up a sign that says “Union!”

They just keep twisting that knife stuck in my back too. I asked for an office with a window. Those one-percenters gave me a closet with a photo of the Philadelphia skyline – shot through a window. I asked for a book deal. They gave me a gift card to Amazon.com. I asked for a raise. They looked at each other, laughed and said, “shuuuuut-up.” I then asked if I could at least just get paid. They told me the checks in the mail. Thank God I have a day job. I hate Cosmos Philly!

Last I saw though, Cosmos Philly is breaking all records in views, audiences, reaches, shares, and all that other internet stuff. Why not, they have original programing that no one else has. They have partnered with various international news agencies. They are creating historical interviews together with the Greek-American Heritage Society of Philadelphia. They have me! And, they have a guy named Giorgo who sits in a little cubicle in Thessaloniki staring at the computer all day who handles their web design and is the gatekeeper, or crypt keeper, or the keeper of the conch… something like that. Oh yeah, he also wears a Philadelphia Phillies jersey – God bless him.

But revenge is best served cold. My lawyers are hard at work preparing the next deluge of petitions, motions, affidavits, and the likes to be filed against Cosmos Philly. Someday, maybe they will invite me to the 30th floor for a shot of Johnny Walker… and someday monkeys will fly out of you know where! In the meanwhile, I guess I will continue to crank out my articles about Greek-American life in the Philadelphia area and beyond, and other meaningless ranting and maybe I don’t hate Cosmos Philly… as much.

Okay, it’s a little cool to be working for the #1 Greek-American website in the universe, but I’m still waiting for that cake!