A Coronavirus Diary

I predict that in a hundred years from now, archeologists will discover a diary in an archeological dig in Philadelphia dated from March 2020. They will be stupefied at what they read.

Dear diary. My coronavirus quarantine begins.

Day one. Starts out like any other workday. Get up at 7:00 AM, brush my teeth, shave, take a shower, put on my work clothes, and make a pot of coffee. We are all working remotely so I sit down at my work computer and log on at 8:30 AM. I continue working and take a break for lunch. I watch the President’s briefing telling us what’s going on with the coronavirus. He yells at a few reporters. Dr. Fauci gets on and tells us to be vigilant and safe. After lunch, I go back to work until 5:00 PM. After work, I run to the market for toilet paper. I make a nice dinner, do a little workout, watch the news, and go to bed at 10:00 PM. I must have washed my hands at least thirty times today!

Day two. Get up at 7:30 AM, brush my teeth, take a shower, put jeans and a t-shirt on, make a pot of coffee, and log on to work computer at 8:30 AM. At the same time, I watch television, and Don Corleone in the Godfather is on. He’s ordering a hit. Wait, sorry, that’s not Don Corleone, its Gov. Cuomo, and he’s selling New York hand sanitizer? They sure do sound the same. LOL. 9:30 AM comes, I do some work, but my stomach is growling. It’s almost 11:00 AM, time to eat lunch. I watch the President and his briefing. He yells at some reporters. Dr. Fauci is on. I try pronouncing his name. Is it Fuci? Fuchi? Fauki? Just can’t remember. He sounds like he’s from New York. Wait, he sounds like Fredo Corleone! I log back onto work around 2:30 PM because I inadvertently take an hour nap. It’s hard-working from home. At 4:30 PM, I log off and run to the market for hand sanitizer. I make dinner, do a quick workout, watch the news, and then Netflix. Go to bed at 11:00 PM. I must have washed my hands at least twenty times today.

Day three. Get up at 7:00 AM, fall back to sleep, get up at 9:00 AM. Brush my teeth, put my robe on, and make a pot of coffee. Eat lunch at 9:30 AM. Log on work at 11:00 AM. Watch the President’s briefing. He yells at some reporters. Fauci is on. Sounds like he’s in the mafia – Don Fucci. I laugh at my own joke. I eat lunch again at lunchtime as I’m looking on Facebook and Instagram. Damn, that walrus is doing better sit-ups than I am! So many funny posts, so many idiotic posts. Wait, why are only rich and famous people getting coronavirus? Where’s that Greek guy with the funny hair from the Ancient Alien show on the History Channel? He’ll know what is going on. I inadvertently take a nap. Go back to work at 3:00 PM, finish at 4:00 PM. Go to the market for Sauvignon Blanc… three bottles. Eat dinner, watch a video workout on YouTube, watch six episodes of Outlander on Netflix. Go to bed at 1:00 AM. I only washed my hands ten times today. Tired of soap and water!

Day four. Get up at 11:00 AM. Look in the mirror. I’m a mess. I look like that kid with the wild hair from the Mad Max movie. Maybe I’ll watch that tonight! I take my pajamas off. It’s comfortable in my underwear. Make a pot of coffee. Eat cereal, a bagel, French toast, home fries, bacon, and some sausage. Doritos go well with breakfast. I fall asleep and wake up at 2:00 PM. I make a sandwich or two and watch the President’s briefing. He yells at some reporters. Dr. Fauci is short. I watch two more episodes of Outlander. I log on work at 4:00 PM and log off at 4:08 PM. I inadvertently take a nap. 6:00 PM I get up and run to the market for chips and salsa. I eat my chips and salsa and watch the three seasons of Lillehammer. I fall asleep somewhere in season three. I forget to wash my hands all day. Too late. Alexa starts playing the Beatles’ song, “Come Together.” How the hell did that happen? The government listening in on me?

Day five. Get up at 1:00 PM. I turn around in my bed and crush the bag of Doritos. I hate when that happens. I turn on the television and watch the President’s briefing. He yells at some reporters. I yell out, “Fucci! Fucci! Fucci!” Or however, you say his name. I love that guy. He’s cool. Like to sit down and have a beer with him, maybe a… Corona! Facebook is telling me that this is a conspiracy. Instagram is telling me we’re all dead in the next two weeks. Millennials are on Spring Break in Florida partying like its 1999, or more like its 1918 and the Spanish Influenza Pandemic. They don’t care, they’re indestructible until they come home carrying COVID-19 to grandma and grandpa, then they’re all in tears not understanding what happened to grandma and grandpa. Our leaders tell us not to be in groups of more than ten. Wait, why are the public buses continuing to operate with thirty to fifty people on them? I feel bad for the restaurant and bar owners and their workers. Its 6:00 PM. Order a pizza for delivery. Throw the pizza box on the mountain of other Uber Eats boxes and bags. Lay on the couch, almost break the wine bottles around me. Watch more Netflix. Fall asleep. Get up. Watch the Kardashians. Fall asleep. Get up. Watch Housewives of New Jersey. Fall asleep.

Day six. Get up. Turn on television. CNN blames the president. Fox blames CNN. MSNBC can’t figure out who to blame. Everyone should blame China! Sharknado 6 is on. Cool. Damn, no more Doritos! Run to the market. It’s closed!!! Where is everyone? Why is army driving up and down the street?

Day seven. I get up. I see zombies… uh oh!

Enjoy your quarantine and remember, stay safe, stay sane, and don’t forget to wash your hands!